Yanımda okuyacak birşey olmadığını farkettiğimde aklıma geldi... O zaman birşeyler yaz. Okuyacak birşeyin yoksa sen okunacak birşeyler yarat. Aslinda okunacak birseyler yaratmakla ilgili degil, bilmiyorum; icimden öyle geldi. Arada bir gelir öyle. Illa yaraticilikla da alakali degil, gerci yaraticilik iceren anlarda da bir sekilde kaydetmedigim icin ne kadar sey kaybettim acaba? Gerci bazen yazdigin ya da ne bileyim sesini kaydettigin seylere geri döndügün zaman ne kadar yavan olduklarini farkediyorsun. O anda inanilmaz yaratici görünen ve mükemmel olmasa da cok iyi bir fikirmis gibi ortaya cikan seyleri daha sonra sakin kafayla ya da baska bir ruh haliyle, kisacasi o anda aklina gelen seyi anlamli kilan o andaki durumlar degisince *pof* artik o sey anlamli degil. Yine de kaydetmek ilginc bir his veriyor. Ya da kaydetmek degil de, kayit isi bittikten sonra baktiginda sanki bir iz birakmissin gibi geliyor. Ormandaki isimsiz bir agacin üzerine kazinan bir harf kadar diger kisiler icin anlamsiz. Senin icin de öyle ahim sahim bir anlam degil belki ama yine de bir baglanti. Denize saldigin olta gibi; misinayi takip edince senin eline ulasiyor.
Aaaand here we go. Sitting on a bench looking towards Bodensee... Well at least I don't have to worry about Turkish characters in the writing. I even have this ß,ä and ö letters here, since I'm writing on a German keyboard. Yay. Well you couldn't make out the hint of sarcasm in that 'yay' over there. That's the difficulty in writing I think. But I've been told that I had the ability to write things like speaking. I guess I have a knack for it, or whatever you wanna call it. The weather's fine here by the way, at least for today. It changes so fricking fast. Think about this: It's morning... The first thing that wakes you up is the chirping birds outside... Not chirping like they want to eat your brains or like they have something against you sleeping properly; but like they're minding their own business, conversing with one another, or trying to tell others something. I don't like the other kind of chirping anyway, it makes you want to errr.... think bad things about those f*cking birds outside that wake you up with their damned voice at 6 a.m. when you managed to sleep at 4 a.m. . Anyway I think you got the idea. Not those kinds of birds. *Ahem* so where were we? Ah yes, the morning. You wake up, birds and stuff. And one of that "stuff" here in particular is sunlight. Not the kind that makes you sweat heavily and pushes you into thinking that a vacation including polar bears would be a good idea. But the kind that wakes you up gently, and doesn't hurt your eyes because it's filtered through curtains or whatever you put on your windows. Or the angle might not be enough for the light to go directly in your eyes in case you don't have anything on your windows and you're a perv that likes to show other people your naked body. Yeah I got lost there I know, I know... Anyway the morning is good with the birds and sunlight and other feel-goody stuff that I cannot be bothered to decribe right now. And the weather suddenly goes shit after midday and you're sitting inside the house looking outside wondering if god is suffering from prostate.
So I'm sitting on a bench right now, writing this stuff on my phone, or "handheld computer" or whatever it was called in the manual. People pass in front of me and there are families ( actually there's a family passing right now and one of the children kept saying "ganz kleine ganz kleine" and the other oe was kinda cryind and making noises like "baaa baaa baaa baaaa" at the same time in his baby car), bikers, couples holding hands, friend groups, tourists... I'm alone; obviously. If I wasn't alone; the person next to me would be listening to this crap instead me writing it.
I don't particularly "like" life right now. The world is unfair. And you don't have to be in the depths of poverty or something to say this. Simply check others problems... If someone is thinking about how he has been hungry for two months without a proper meal, and the other one is thinking about how he has been without caviar for two months, it doesn't take a genious to figure out that there's something VERY fucked up with this world we're living in. And there's also something wrong, if I am here writing random stuff that's coming on to my mind to forget the fact that I am feeling alone. Now some people started singing and playing some instruments. About 50 meters away from me. And the songs are happy ones. Not sad ones. Don't worry I won't describe what kind of happy it is and isn't.
And there are ships passing by as the sun started to set, it's 18:35 by the way and that group started singing and playing again. I can only hope that I will find someone, or someone will find me. I prefer to be alone instead of going with something that I know is a lie, call me a fucking retard if you want, or make that singer over there scream in my ear in German, but I've decided that I don't want to give false hope or I dunno... live something that isn't going to go anywhere in general. And the reason I can only "hope" is that I don't believe in god anymore. No I'm not going to enter a theological debate with myself and provide answers in this whatever-I'm-writing-right-now; that might or might not satisfy you. Either there is no god or it isn't what it claims to be. If it doesn't exist, well ok then...but if you're over there and taking some perverse pleasure from all this or getting some kind of fulfillment to your ego, then allow me to say "fuck you" for creating or managing or visiting -or whatever your interaction is- an almost perfect ecosystem and letting us shitheads called "humans" fuck over one another like this. Seriously, screw you whatever you are. I want to be pissed at somebody. I want to blame someone for everything. I want it to get better. I want to be able to say "everything is fine" and mean it.
Aaaaah screw this... I don't care if I drop dead at this very second. i don't have anything to look forward to. Not anything real. I'm not gonna kill myself or anything but its just that I don't care. Don't go saying "you're not hungry like so many others are, you have a home and bla and blablabla". I'm tired of thinking others. I want to be selfish but I can't. I see a wounded cat and I become sad. I see a poor person and I become sad. Just becoming sad isn't enough and you should actually try to do something about it and all that jazz; I know. Don't think I'm writing this with the mind of a fifteen year old teenager that thinks he knows everything. It's just that I'm tired ok? I am so very tired of this world and all of its crap that we're forced to swim in everyday.
I don't have faith in anything now. I just feel hollow inside, like watching someone elses life bound to his senses. Or watching everything from behind a window. It's like wearing gloves on your hearth....
It's 19:02 now. I guess I'll head home. Fuck this world and every single shitty thing in it.
